Life – can anyone try to explain it? Sure – I see every day 9th graders that think they have it all figured out, adult feeling they have enough experience to tell others exactly how and what life is – and amidst these extremes – I find myself at a crossroads.
In listening to Alan Watts, I am not ready to go to sleep and never wake up, I want to look at landscapes and have tears continue to be brought to my eyes, because of the things that I thought I knew would happen, and was caught off guard but the moments I did not see coming.
It’s hard to explain, lately, I find myself walking somewhere, anywhere, and my memories of my friends are so strong, so intense, I have tears in my eyes for no apparent reason at all, I mean none. Just out of the blue. Let me back up a minute,
…for some unexplained reason, which I can’t say I am minding, I have been having these walks where memories, snapshots, moments of my father keep coming back to me as if he is standing right beside me every day. This is so comforting, as I always worry I am going to forget his face, but I know, I will NEVER forget his life. I am still in awe of the sacrifices he made not only for his children, but for everyone he came into contact with that he made feel like his children, people he did not even know, this amazes me. His touch and ability to reach into this void of someone he never met, and make them feel like family, is well, a gift I could only HOPE to ever reach…and amid this wanderings and musings, tears well up without warning, catching me off guard. So people that might see me in those awkward moments, might think I am deeply sad. Actually the opposite.
In an ironic twist of fate, I find myself surrounded by students, adults, family, friends that have become family, students that have become family, and I realize, on my very worst days, days I rant and rave about the immaturity of 9th graders (my rant this week), ranting about people who cannot appreciate the simple things they have to be thankful for, I find myself truly unbelievably lucky, and yes, tears have been welling up lately more often than not because….well, because my experiences in looking back have been AMAZING because of the people in my life I have come across, I can’t possibly put it into works, not even. It causes the only emotion my body can try to keep up with, tears. I am surrounded by my Dad so much with the amazing people that represent so many parts of him – that I did not see before, because I was so busy.
If I ever get to busy to acknowledge these people truly I feel I won’t be justified to stay alive anymore, because I will cease living. So no, I am not ready to sleep and not wake up, I haven’t been able to thank and enjoy these people these experiences, these moments that override the bad every day, although the bad manage to peak their head through.
Life…sometimes too much for words, but oh how grateful I am for the people who I have been lucky enough to cross paths with, despite my rambling, ravings, and anger at times, I am so incredibly lucky to have this life, with the people that have made up what is known as my life…:)