Anger, Guilt, Faults

Not sure if you have felt anything as of late, but I know – Anger, so much anger has been welling up inside of me and it is actually interesting looking back.

Most of my anger is directed towards the events of how people that take so much pride in their country, they are willing to fight for their Ukranian country at all costs – willing to drop everything and how much it touches them despite the losses and numbers against them – I am watching some of the bravest individuals in front of me.

I am a visual person, and I feel it is way too easy to placate what is happening by simply reading the lines, seeing the images of their pain, and fear, I can at least transport a part of myself to their plight and try to dig in and follow and pray for their bravery and success in the face of such tyranny.

I am not sure, well I am sure it is not on the level of when I thought I knew so much about countries from the studies I had from textbooks in high school and college, My biggest flaw was I believed everything I read and that was taught to me and did not question enough. When I travelled to Mexico carrying the views, beliefs, and stereotypes of what I thought was Mexico – I realized within a few days how off base I was. Seeing children that were one to two years old in the metro willing to sell stickers that would not fit in the space of a wrinkle in your knuckle, for hours just to get a few bits of change, until the wee hours of 3 and 4 AM, seeing how hard individuals worked day and night having the most minimal resources they could call home, and feeling the pain, suffering, and struggle yet immense gratitude for what they had without ever wanting more, more more, I felt so privileged to be able to truly take in the idea that less is more, the most important assets you carry with you are the relationships, trusts, and ability to help others – the “stuff” we acquire means nothing unless it helps others feel at ease, rather than just the pride of having things.

I could go on and on about how disgraceful some of my views were, and how grateful I was to be welcomed with open arms, set straight, and to truly view how amazingly smart, trustworthy, and reliable my neighbors and friends were when they had no reason to be amid a backdrop of views representing alot of slander, false portrayals and ignorant comments that often came from others about Mexico and life in general in Mexico in this particular case when I created a life there. (Thanks to those that took me in no questions asked).

Mexico was the most beautiful country thanks to the beliefs and values that so many generous individuals would not let those aspects get in the way of seeing me for how I, was, and how I could embrace Mexico as a country and realize how lucky I was to be a part of the country. I never take for granted that experience and the country made up of individuals that would bend over backwards for me and never know the whole me at first.

I transfer alot of this experience to wanting and expecting more from the world to support Ukraine, my anger comes in pockets from these areas – politicians who think they know what is happening in other countries without ever spending their time there to know the country and know the people.- that disgusts me. It hits me deep and causes so much anger in me when I see so many selfish people around me interested in things, things things, and often tend to go blind when it comes to noticing the people around them that need a ear, a conversation, solace and yet anything that matters to many are things things things. I am surprised at night when I have gone to sleep crying over hearing the plight and impact of what is happening in Ukraine, I can envision the students and friends I know in Ukraine and yes am worried sick, and with every complaint from people around me about having to do some type of task, or complaining about not having the latest this or that – my biggest fault is applying the open mind and heart of a people to my own country, as many did for me – one of many of my faults.

Guilt comes from me not being a better person for having such a short fuse when I see this occurring on all levels, disrespect for other countries, disrespect for other peoples, for their beliefs, blaming others for something instead of doing something to make it better, I need to find a way.

As a country, I find myself thinking the harder I work and the harder I put myself into something, it does alleviate me from being so lax about things and I feel I just have a sort of repentance owed for something being too selfish about how thankful I should be for the gifts I have received of a job, friends, good health, safety, and more. I take way to much for granted, way too much, and it is ironic I feel and see this when other people are put down, threatened, forced against the freedoms they should be afforded and are not given any opportunity to truly live. The anger boils under my level of realization that I wish more people would put themselves in situations to understand from the outside of their situation what the situation truly feel likes, not just from their point of view.

I write this as I try to find ways to better the world around me, find others that feel the same way, and try to form an alliance to put out fires of selfishness, greed, ignorance, and more. Some days are better than others, others worse the the day before – yet, the worse realization I find is the thought of not trying to value every little piece of gratitude that I am lucky to have that can’t be bought, can’t be charged, can’t be collected. I think these thoughts as every day I pray for a strength, a courage, and a power so vast that the powers that try to overrun countries, attitudes that try to tear down and out down others – find futile against the kind hearts that truly make the world a better place. Helpless in seeing others fight for what is right has been difficult.

I hope I continue to find those people who find ways to care with their hearts rather than their wallets, greed, and selfishness. It is painful to see so many of these emotions brought out in the affront against Ukraine, and I stay positioned to want to push their strength, energy, and pride even against everything that threaten it. I have learned this from some of the best people in and out of the United States, and that gift is priceless.

About Harry Brake

Employee of Woodbridge High School, Library Media Specialist, Media crazy! :)
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1 Response to Anger, Guilt, Faults

  1. sjpbkj says:

    Very well said! Thanks for sharing! It is a blessing working with you!

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